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Quest For Happy

Most people I know are not happy. Not 11 in 20. Not 15 in 20. No, I'd say 19 in 20 people I know are not happy.

I'm not talking about politics. I'm not talking about the environment. I'm not talking about any large "blue sky" entity like these. I mean people are not happy in their personal, daily, lives.

For 10's of millions of years human animals needed to do things daily to live. In doing those things we felt a sense of place. Once we found shelter it was found. I'm talking about the daily little things.

Humans would get up and, depending on the era, would look for food. Look for things or ways to keep them alive and maybe better our lives.

What do we have now? Being this time of year and being a person in the U.S. -- The first thing coming to mind is Black Friday. We get tricked in to our basal hunting instinct. Tricked to go shopping for mostly junk we don't need. People pour in to shops so heavily and the hunt is so great that it is very common to hear about people getting hurt and sometimes getting killed.

But this is our modern Great Hunt. We need to hunt daily. Marketing people know how to trigger us.

Yet that rush we get from finding a great deal, a great game, a great movie, or bargain of some sort leaves us unfulfilled.

No, I'm not going to tell people to turn to some religion or another. In fact, most of them tell you that all that commercialism is bad too.

People are still unhappy.

Might I suggest walks. Picnics with friends, family or maybe alone. Find a trail to hike. A book to read -- books take longer and are more rewarding than movies. Borrow and lend books to people as if they are prized treasures.
Might I suggest minimalism in some form that works for you. Most people, besides being unhappy, are over spending. It causes a vicious cycle one can't escape.
Might I suggest cooking all your meals from scratch. You will be doing something with your time that you can take some pride in and share with others.
Might I suggest music, language, learning and hobbies.
Might I suggest space. People like to explore.

RIP 2016

I was told I wasn't posting, and I have indeed been a very bad lout about it. Mostly I don't post because I'd just be raging endlessly about Trump. Also how completely let down I am by my country and the people in it.

We all know I've wanted out for a very long time. So if you are that one, maybe two people who have been reading this.. you already know. I'm sure I could write nothing surprising about how let down I feel.

So what has been good? Weight loss.

When I got back from HobbitCon in Germany, some 16 months ago, I was very upset about my weight as I felt.. I know that it really held me back. Cut to the chase, today I'm down from a mens size 6XL to a size 2XL. Weight-wise I went from so heavy the scale didn't work to a (still obese) 320lbs.

I feel foolish and a braggart talking about it as I'm still fat. But I am a lot less fat. A lot. I'm still, slowly, still losing weight though. Still sticking to the harsh diet change I made for myself.

The rest of 2016? Really other than the weight it's universally been pretty crappy. I'm glad it is over. But it isn't. With the political climate it looks to be the start of hell-on-Earth. Again, I'm not going in to it or this'll just be no more interesting than a facebook post.

So 2017 I Hope: To keep losing weight, to keep making arts which makes people happy, to try to survive best I can some how.

RIP 2016


I've been making "art".

Racist Fucking Bullshit

British BRExit.
Nazi Propaganda.
Dr. Seuss fearmongering.
Donald Trump.

I'm sick and tired of damn racist and xenophobic bastards. More than anything I'm sick of all the people that decade after decade keep suporting all these bastards.

Listen you uneducated pricks. No human population is andigionous. We have all moved around then moved around again. Native American are not native to Almerica, they came from some where. Whites have moved around too. Japanese? Japan is a relatively new home in the grand scheme of things. And you know what? Your vey ancestors skin colors have changed as the moved. Slowly. But it changed. Go get a book about the many and unending human migrations.

We are all people.. unless we chose to be monsters. 

The Human Story

I'm normally ok with the BBC. As a whole the are far superior to media in the U.S. that I won't even call News.

" European migrant crisis:: Shipwrecks 'kill up to 700 migrants'
Migrants wait aboard rescue ship "Aquarius" as they arrive in the port of Cagliari, Sardinia
Many thousand of migrants have also been rescued this week en route from Africa to Europe
Up to 700 migrants are feared drowned in a series of shipwrecks off the coast of Libya in the last few days, the UN refugee agency says.
The boats sank south of Italy on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday as the migrants tried to reach Europe in unseaworthy vessels."
*End Citation.

This is part of a story that has me lingustically pissed off. I tend to think of humans as people how have life struggles. I don't see them as water buffalo on migration from Aftica to Europe.

Semantics. Yes.
I have only a high school education from Los Angeles. So, forgive me as my level of education is much lower. However I'd have written the story as such.

"Shipwrecks kill up to 700 people.

Survivors wait aboard rescue ship "Aquarius" as they arrive in the port of Cagliari, Sardinia
Many thousand people have also been rescued this week en route from Africa to Europe.
Up to 700 people are feared drowned in a series of shipwrecks off the coast of Libya in the last few days, the UN refugee agency says.
The boats sank south of Italy on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday as the people tried to reach Europe in unseaworthy vessels."

In my version I paint a human story of human who survived and of those that died. I don't needlessly label.
Imagine what it would take for you to leave your home, your life, and to risk that life to get on a ship you know is not safe. To escape your situation; or even just hope to escape. You know you are betting your life. You may be betting your families lives as well. Your struggle is real. You are human and you have a story that people should know about. Why paint that story with words that may paint your story as a herd of animals? They are not migrating ducks.
Sure. Migrate can be used a lot of ways. Why is there a need to use it at all in this case? I'm not from the UK but I think if during WWII when families put their kids on trains an sent them out of the bombing zones to live with distant family or friends... I don't think ever once some one might have wrote "700 Migrating children died on a train." No. Never.
So why then paint a differing picture for other peoples family members?

Now, free of volitile verbage. Also paint the picture of why these people need to escape. What is happening. Why people are forced to make such dire choices.


We Don't Talk About It

I read a lot of brave blogs by women that talk about the abuse that happens to them. Some seem to write with the mind-set that this is a woman thing. Or it is a thing men do to women. I'm going to talk about something uncomfortable. I'm going to talk about times that I, a male, was abused. Why? People should really know that it happen to everyone. I've hidden all of this for the entire span of my life; I'm 45 as of the writing.

I'm six years old and at a truck stop dinner with my mom, and grandmother. Needing to use the bathroom I go in to the mens room and stand at the urinal to pee. A trucker comes in and picks the stall right next to me so he can pull his dick out and look at mine. I'm told that I'm a very pretty girl and that he is so lucky. I leave and tell my mom and grandmother. They laugh it off and I'm too young to know if they ever took it serious. All I know is it was laughed away.

I'm seven years old and the YMCA and my mother sign me up for the Big Brother program. It is okay because my Big Brother only visits very rarely. One weekend, however, I am taken for a long three day weekend to Avalon, on the island of Catalina off of California. Lot about the trip are a lot of fun. A boat ride there and back. Seeing water so clear I can see all the fish. But we stay in a hotel on the island and being bathed by a person you hardly know isn't. I'm washed all over, mostly my genitals. Then he gets naked and joins in the bath. At night I have to sit around naked then get cuddled all night naked because my clothes got dirty and had to be washed and dried.

The next year this same Big Brother moves to Lake Tahoe but invited me out there to spend a weekend. I'm naked the entire time, like a pet while my Big Brother and the boy in his late teens enjoy life in their underware. I'm trusted to take my own bath, but by this point does it mater when you get to see a naked 8 year old boy laying naked all day on the 70's shag carpet while playing with toys.

At age 10 there is a family down the street with a nice black girl my age. I'm told she is my babysitter by my Mom and so need to spend a few hours there. Over the course of months she likes to undress me and teach me how to make love like her older sister does with her boy friends. I have to learn how to hump "round house" with my hips as this is very important. Also I am made to lay naked and lick any part of my same-age babysitter's body that she wants for hours on end.

Older at age 13 I visit a family memebers house and my 3rd cousin is in the TV room and I should go in there too while adults talk. My cousin is masterbating under a blanket but also takes a keen interest in showing me his rock hard memeber as he contintues masturbating but looking at me as his inspiration. I run out of the room to tell and thankfully adults listen. I wasn't sure they would. On the drive home it is explaned to me that boys mastrebate; that's just how it is.

Wow, typing this all out has got my hands shaking badly and my chest has gone all tight. I've been abused repeatedly by different people of differing genders and sexual preferences. I'm not looking for an ounce of pitty. Also this is in no way some "contest" and not meant to detract from the very real abuse women get ALL the time. I just would like people to know that this does happen to men as well. Many of whom may never tell a living soul.

I look pretty but. . .

Somehow, they tell me, this armor gives me better protection than my last.

Fat Shaming

If someone broke their leg, chances are you would be concerned. You would maybe call 911 (or whatever the magic number is in your part of the world). This is, of course, if you are a human.

The same is true of people getting hit by a car, drowning, getting shot, etc etc.

More and more if someone is depressed people will, at least try a little, to watch what they say. They know their very words could cause the person to kill themself. Again, this only holds true if you are an actual human. There are people that still say the most meanless crap that hurts like, "Feel happy soon."

However fat people. Yes, that bastion of humanity that seems to exist so that people can judge, tease, and belittle.

I'm fat. I wear a 2xl pants and a 3xl shirt because I don't like tight tshirts. I'm big. I'm fat. Let's not try and sugar coat it.

I was A LOT bigger. 6 months ago I felt like I was on deaths door. I also was a size 4xl all around. Thanks to Obamacare and a simple blood test it turns out my body was just not making testosterone. I've talked about this before; so feel free to look at older journals. My point here is after getting weekly medicine I've been flabbergasted and gobsmaked at how rapidly I've been sheading weight. I hope it continies.

But people don't see fat people as people that might have medical issues. Frankly, I often wonder if people see fat people as humans at all.

You have to be living blindly if you have not seen it. Talking about people you don't know. Talking about people you do know. Talking shit directly to these people. Throwing rocks at fat people. Stores purposfully not stocking clothes for fat people.

The thing is, fat people are humans. They also very much know they are fat and don't need any help working that out. Infact, like a sucidal person, your words and actions do make things worse; even leading to death. Make fun of fat people? Then you are trying to commit murder. It's not a game and it is not fun to anyone but you -- and the reason is because you are the monster.


This is me. I drew me.